When Behavior Feels Bigger Than the Child Understanding Behavior Concerns in Young Learners

Big Feelings, Developing Brains, and the Power of Responsive Adults

If you work with young children, especially in Early Intervention, you’ve heard it:

• “He’s being defiant.”

• “She just won’t listen.”

• “He’s doing it on purpose.”

• “Her behaviors are out of control.”

But here’s the truth: we don’t say enough.

Young children are not giving us a hard time. They are having a hard time.

Behavior concerns in young learners are not character flaws. They are communicating.

And when we shift our lens from control to understanding, everything changes.

Behavior Is Communication

In early childhood, language, self-regulation, and social skills are still developing. When a child:

• Hits

• Screams

• Refuses

• Runs away

• Throws materials

…it is often because they do not yet have the skills to express what they need.

Common underlying reasons include:

• Limited expressive language

• Sensory overwhelm

• Difficulty with transitions

• Anxiety in new environments

• Fatigue or hunger

• Skill deficits in emotional regulation

• Unclear expectations

In EI settings, we must always ask the following:

Is this willful defiance, or is this a lagging skill?

Most of the time, it’s a lagging skill.

The Developmental Lens Matters

In Early Intervention and preschool settings, behavior must always be viewed through developmentally appropriate expectations.

A three-year-old:

• Cannot regulate like a seven-year-old.

• Cannot problem-solve like an adult.

• Cannot “just calm down” on demand.

Their brains are still building the neural pathways for:

• Emotional control

• Impulse inhibition

• Flexible thinking

• Frustration tolerance

When we expect maturity before the brain is ready, we create frustration for the child and for the adults.

Red Flags vs. Developmental Norms

Not all challenging behavior signals a concern. Some behaviors are typical for young learners.

Developmentally Typical:

• Occasional tantrums

• Difficulty sharing

• Testing boundaries

• Short attention span

• Big emotions

Potential Concerns When You See:

• Persistent aggression beyond peers

• Self-injury

• Extreme withdrawal

• Inability to recover from minor frustration

• Behavior that significantly interferes with learning

The keyword is persistent.

We look for patterns, not isolated incidents.

What Young Children Need Instead of Punishment

When behavior escalates, our instinct may be to:

• Remove privileges

• Raise our voice

• Send them out

• Demand compliance

But young children need:

1. Co-Regulation

They borrow our calm before they can build their own.

2. Predictable Routines

Structure reduces anxiety.

3. Visual Supports

Schedules, first/then boards, and picture cues reduce confusion.

4. Explicit Teaching of Skills

We must teach:

• How to ask for help

• How to wait

• How to take turns

• How to express frustration safely

5. Connection Before Correction

Children regulate through relationships.

If a child does not feel safe, they cannot access learning.

The Role of the Early Intervention Team

In EI, behavior support is not about “fixing” a child.

It is about:

• Identifying environmental triggers

• Teaching replacement skills

• Coaching families

• Supporting classroom teams

• Using data to look at patterns

• Ensuring interventions are individualized

Sometimes that includes structured behavior support approaches such as the following:

• Embedded instruction

• Visual supports

• Play-based skill building

• Functional behavior assessment

But always, always, it includes partnership with families.

Parents are not the problem.
Children are not the problem.
Behavior is the signal.

The Adult Work Is the Hardest Work

Let’s be honest.

Supporting behavior concerns in young learners requires the following:

• Patience

• Reflection

• Team collaboration

• Emotional regulation from adults

• Consistency

It also requires us to examine our own expectations.

Are we expecting compliance, or are we teaching skills?

Are we reacting or responding?

Are we labeling or understanding?

A Final Thought

A child who hits may need language.
A child who runs may need sensory support.
A child who screams may need help feeling safe.
A child who refuses may need autonomy.

Behind every challenging behavior is an unmet need.

And behind every regulated child is an adult who chooses connection over control.

In Early Intervention, that choice changes trajectories, not just for behavior, but for lifelong development.

If you are an EI professional, supervisor, or parent navigating behavior concerns in young learners, remember:

Behavior is not the enemy.

It is information.

And when we listen close enough, it tells us exactly what to teach next.